Security Cam/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: There you go. Brent Leroy: Ok Mom, you and Dad have a good trip. Emma Leroy: Yeah, sure. Lacey: Oh, come on, Emma. It could be fun, you know, a little romantic getaway. Nudge, nudge. Brent: Nudge? My mother doesn't nudge. Lacey: Well, she had you, didn't she? She must have nudged once. Emma: You know, Lacey's right. Oscar and I haven't gone on a trip we've never gone on a trip. It actually might be fun. Oscar: If you don't come now, I'm leavin' without ya. Emma: It might be nice to relax, get away. Stop honking that horn, you lunatic! I'm looking forward to it. Brent: Yeah, it'll be a hoot. Lacey: What ya doin'? Brent: I'm installing a security camera. Lacey: Really? 'Cause you must lose dollars worth of merchandise. Brent: Oh, Lacey, this isn't about stolen Jubejubes. You've got to look at the larger economic picture. If I install one of these, I save $500 on my insurance. Lacey: Hmm. How much did it cost? Brent: It was about 600 bucks. Lacey: Oh. Davis Quinton: Hey, look. It finally came, my stun gun. Karen Pelly: Stun gun? What are you gonna do with that? Davis: Stun people. Karen: What people? Davis: Bad people. Karen: Okay, then. Lacey: You know, it's kinda neat that your parents find time, at their age, to be romantic. Brent: It is, is it? Lacey: Yeah. I know they bicker, but it's nice to see that they're still interested in each other, romantically. Brent: Could we not talk about my parents and their alleged romance? It creeps me out. Lacey: Okay, fine. Brent: Now, no more dirty talk. Hand me that big tool, so I can mount this. Oscar: We're not lost. Emma: I didn't say we were. Oscar: You were about to. Emma: No, I wasn't. We've only been driving for an hour. Oscar: Typical. Assume the worst. Emma: I wasn't assuming anything. But now that you mention it, where are we? Oscar: I don't know. Ya happy now? Karen: Are you sure you need more equipment? You don't have a great track record with these kinds of things. Davis: What are you talkin' about? Karen: Come on, the riot shield. Davis: That was a riot shield? I thought it was a regular, everyday shield. Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent. Brent: Hey, Hank. Hank: Is that one of those, uh, fake cameras? Good idea. Trick people into thinking you got a real security camera. Brent: No, it's a real security camera. Hank: Nice! Make people think they're being watched, but you don't put a videotape in the machine? Heh-heh. Brent: No. I'm going to actually tape people. Hank: Well, you can't do that. I mean what's next? Brent: You're standing right over the trap door. Hank: Yeah, right. Lacey: Hey, what's that, a radar gun? Davis: Even better. It's a taser gun. Lacey: Like on "Star Trek." Davis: Uh, that's phaser. This is taser. Lacey: Oh. To stun people? What, in case we have one of those rural riots you hear so much about? Davis: Exactly. Oh, you're being sarcastic? Lacey: Yeah. What are the odds of a riot breaking out in Dog River? Karen: 50-50. Lacey: How do you figure that? Karen: We either have a riot or we don't have a riot. Davis: Exactly. 50-50. Karen: I'm not thrilled about the taser thing either, but you really should get your math right. Lacey: Right. It's my mistake. Wanda Dollard: You're not gonna watch that, are ya? Brent: No. I'm just making sure that it works. Could you get out of the way? Hank: Oh, cool! A Taser gun! Davis: Yeah. Hank: Can you hit me with it? Davis: What? Hank: Come on, zap me. Please, Davis? Please, please, double please? Davis: No Hank. I don't think that would be a good idea. Hank: Aw, come on. All my life I wanted to be zapped by a Taser gun. It's just another dream I thought I had to give up on, like being an astronaut or voting. Davis: It's too dangerous. Hank: Aw, this reeks! First Brent starts spyin' on everyone with his security camera and now you're denying me a lifelong dream. Karen: Why does Brent have a security camera? Hank: I'll tell ya if he stuns me. Davis: No! Karen: I can club ya if ya want. Hank: Nah. Been there, done that. Emma: This is ridiculous. Pull into that dumpy motel and ask for directions. Oscar: We're lost. Hotel Clerk: Okay? Emma: Well, we're looking for a really fancy hotel. I mean no offence to this place, but kind of a resort. Hotel Clerk: Well, what's the name? Emma: Whistling Brook. Hotel Clerk: Well, this is Whistling Brook. Oscar: See? I knew we weren't lost. Karen: So Brent bought a security cam. Obviously thinks we can't do our job. Davis: Probably some kinda insurance thing. Karen: Where did you get the cash for that stun gun? I thought you were going to use the surplus to buy bullet-proof vests. Davis: I saved a little money by buying bullet-resistant vests. Karen: Bullet resistant? You ever sleep in a water resistant tent? You get pretty wet. Hank: I'm outta control! I'm freakin' out! I'm freakin' out! I'm, I'm freakin' out! I'm on PCBs, man! You got-ya gotta stun me! You got to put me down fast... Davis: Bullet resistant's pretty good, Karen. Hank: I got the strength of 10 ordinary men! I'm freakin' out! Come on! Karen: Look at this shirt. It's wrinkle resistant. It's got a lot of wrinkles. Hank: Hello? Emma: I wish that kid would stop jumping on the bed. Young Boy: Come on Grandpa, snap out of it. Your leg can't hurt that much. Boy's Grandpa: Oh, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oscar: And his grandpa can shut up anytime too. Hank: Come on, Davis! Davis: No! Hank: Just once. Davis: No! Hank: On the lowest setting. Davis: No! What are ya doin'? Ow! Stop that! Hank: Come on, shock me back. Karen: I could explain this, if you like. Lacey: Nah. Some things are better left to the imagination. Brent: Hey, Wanda, can I show you something? Wanda: I've seen your belly do the hula, thanks. Brent: No. I think you'll find this fascinating. It's from earlier today. Wanda (video): Hey, Karen. Karen (video): Hey. Where's Brent? Wanda (video): Over at The Ruby chattin' up Lacey. Karen (video): Does he do any work around here? Wanda (video): Not really, no. Unless drinking coffee and playing games with your belly is considered work. Brent: Hmm. Anything to say for yourself? Wanda: Yes. In my defence, I forgot the camera picked up sound. Brent: Those belly games aren't easy, ya know. Hank: Davis, check it out. Huh? Huh? See, it hardly hurts at all. Huh? Look. Come on, I wanna be stunned. Karen: Oh, you're already there. Hank: Okay, how 'bout this? You pop the hood, I lick the car battery. If I can handle the charge, ya stun me. Huh? Okay, pop the hood. Davis: Pop the hood. Karen: I can't. But clubbin' him's still on the table. Lacey: Hmm. So Brent's mad at you. Wanda: I guess. What was I supposed to do? He had me on tape. Lacey: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Karen (video): I was only kidding about Brent earlier today, or the other day, when I was talking to you about him. Wanda (video): Of course you were. I knew that. That's why I didn't defend him. Lacey: Oh. Okay. Karen, remember, you were really gonna sell the fact that you were kidding about Brent, right? Karen: I'm not an actor, Lacey. Lacey: Okay. You know, just try again. Wanda: Mine felt a little forced. Lacey: Well, just, you know, take your time with it. Okay? Brent: Wow! Is that Meryl Streep? Wanda: Cut us some slack. Lacey: Yes. We staged a little play to make our point. You can't judge somebody on how they act every second of every day. Brent: Oh, hang on. What's this? Karen (video): Geez, is Lacey always that controlling? Wanda (video): Oh, you know. You get used to it. When she gets her teeth stuck into somethin', she's like a badger. Karen (video): She thinks she knows everything. She's not even that good at math. Lacey: Wanda! You couldn't stick up for me. That's real nice. Karen: Lacey was giving me all kinds of acting notes. I know why too, because I called her on her lousy math skills. Davis: How come I wasn't invited to be in one of Lacey's plays? Karen: I don't know. I guess they thought I was a better actor. The insulting thing is that Brent even has a security camera. Davis: You know, there's more to me than just a pretty boy tough guy cop. I have depth and range. Lacey: Hey, Brent. I feel silly about earlier. I was just trying to help Wanda. Brent: Ah, don't worry about it. For some reason, this security camera's really freakin' people out. Lacey: Nah, I should have let Wanda do it her way. She is awfully smart. Brent: And she doesn't mind showin' us sometimes either. Lacey: Yeah, I know, hey? Sometimes I just feel like saying, "Okay, I get it. You're smart. You know, you can stop being such a..." Brent: "Little Sally Smartypants?" Lacey: That's not exactly what I was gonna say, but sure, Little Sally Smartypants. Hank: Get rid of that stupid security camera yet? Brent: Nope. Hank: Well, then, I can no longer hang out here. Brent: The thing just paid for itself. Hank: I want to do something about that stupid security camera. And usually I start a petition, but no one ever signs it, or a boycott, or a hunger strike, or a town meeting, or I camp out on top of a telephone pole. Karen: Well, Brent might learn a little lesson if his security camera got stolen. Hank: Yeah. Karen: By someone. Hank: Yeah. Karen: Someone he trusts. Hank: Yeah, I suppose. Karen: Someone he would never suspect. Hank: Yeah. Karen: Plot the camera's motion pattern and then approach from a blind spot. You could pull it off, hypothetically. Oscar: I'm sorry. I tried to find somethin' nice. I didn't know that place would be so lousy. Emma: Well, it's the thought that counts. Oscar: Really? Emma: Not really, no. Davis: This is an outrage! I'm not payin'! You're out of order. This whole town's out of order! Lacey: Davis! Did I make a mistake on your bill? Davis: No. Well, yes. You're not that good at math. But I was acting angry. Did you believe I was angry? Lacey: Well, yeah, I guess I did. Davis: If you ever need me for one of your security camera plays... Lacey: Oh, Davis, I don't know if we're ever going to do another play. Davis: I could bring the Taser gun. Lacey: No. Davis: Brent, I have some terrible news about your parents. I just got a call and I don't know how to tell you this. Relax. I'm just acting. Brent: What? Lacey: He's auditioning for the security camera. Brent: Oh. That in no way explains it. Emma: I'm actually having a good time with you, Oscar. Oscar: Yeah, me too. Hey, what are ya doin', tryin' to head butt me? Emma: No, I'm just leaning on you. Sorry. Oscar: That's all right. Put your head back down. Davis: I just want you to consider me, that's all. Brent: Davis, I don't produce the security plays, I just review them. Wanda: Brent, what's this? Brent: What's what? Lacey (video): ...and stop being such a Little Sally Smartypants? Lacey: Brent, when we were talking earlier, did we oh, hi, Wanda. Whatcha watchin'? Wanda: A little program called Sally Smartypants. Davis: I thought you said there weren't anymore plays. I just want a chance! Lacey: We're sorry about what we said. Wanda: Nah, you guys did a good job. Your little play taught me a lesson. Brent: Yeah, that's what we thought when we decided to stage that play. Lacey: Uh-huh. Wanda: The acting was very natural. Brent: Oh, I'm not much of an actor, really. I just play myself. Wanda: Oh, yeah? Hank: What? Can't a guy case a joint? Brent: He's casing the joint. Get Elliott Ness on the phone. Lacey: What are you staring at? Hank: I'm trying to see if I can time the camera's movements. Lacey: Uh-huh. Well, good luck with that. Hank: Yeah. Slow camera. Brent: Yeah. Almost like it doesn't move at all. Hank: Yeah. Oh. Davis: I've been a cop for 20 years, but I've never had to shoot anybody before. I know you're my partner, but now it's time for you to...line. Karen: Die. Davis: Die! Right! Oh! Karen: And I'd feel more comfortable if you used a prop gun instead. Davis: But this helps me stay in the moment. Wanda: Am I opening up in the morning? Brent: You can come in later. I'm gonna be here early anyway. Hank: Yeah! Emma: Remember when we were younger and we'd go to the gas station to play that game? Oscar: You mean Parcheesi? Emma: No. When you were working. I'd come by as you were closing up. Oscar: Oh, that game. Yeah. That was spicier than Parcheesi. Emma: Those were good times. Oscar: Yeah. Emma: Do you still have your key to the gas station? Hank: Look, I, I was just gonna borrow the camera, to teach Brent a lesson. It was Karen's idea. She planned the whole thing. Davis (radio): Karen, come in. Karen (radio): Go ahead. Davis (radio): Did you tell Hank to rob Corner Gas? Karen (radio): No. What? No! That's crazy talk. Hank's crazy! Davis (radio): He said you practically drew him a map. Hank: She literally drew me a map. Karen (radio): It was a hypothetical map. Davis (radio): We'll talk about this later. Over and out. Hank: Yeah, this was really stupid of me. I deserve a good zap. Davis: Forget it. Just go home. Hello. My name's Davis Quinton. I'm auditioning for one of Lacey's security plays. For this scene I'll be using a taser gun instead of a real one. I think a real gun would be better, but some people think it's dangerous. Anyways. I've been a cop for 20 years and I never had to...dzz-zz-zz! Oscar: Emma, come on. Emma: Don't pester me. You'll spoil the mood. Oscar: All right. Just let me get behind the counter. Emma: Okay, here we go. Could you help me, Stranger? Oscar: What seems to be the problem, you gorgeous customer? Emma: I need someone to check under my hood. Oscar: Well, you're talkin' to the right guy. Come on over here. Emma: Slow down, Tiger. Oscar: That wasn't me. Davis: I stunned... Emma: Were you there the whole time? Oscar: How much did you hear? Davis: Stunned...ow?! Oscar: I don't think he heard anything. Emma (video): I need someone to check under my hood. Brent (video): Well, you're talkin' to the right guy. Lacey: Oh. I guess we all know that our parents have some kind of romantic life. But no one needs to see it acted out on videotape. Brent: What are you talkin' about, romantic life? Mom was just havin' trouble with her car. That's all. Obviously just car trouble. Lacey: Ah, Brent, the security camera doesn't lie. Brent: What, what security camera? We don't have a camera. You're talkin' gibberish. Wanda: Textbook case of psychological blocking, commonly known as denial. Lacey: Smartypants. So Brent got rid of the camera. Wanda: Did he ever. Lacey: Whoa! Category:Transcripts